Every beat of my heart feels like it is shooting a bitter venom through my veins. I've been through breakups before. (Two to be exact.) Both lasted 20 months. (Aiden lasted 20 months.) I lived with them both. (I lived with Aiden.) I thought I loved the other two, but now after this break up I really it was merely puppy love. (Sorry Chadwick!) With Aiden I lay awake at night and stare at his side of the bed which I never want to lay on in case he decides to come home. I wake up feeling sick every day and have to busy myself with pointless tasks so I don't think of him. It has only been 15 days but this is not like me at all. I'm a "two tears in a bucket" kind of guy. Usually they leave I sigh heavily tear up, wipe my eyes, then am sucking off some hot guy that night. With Aiden... I haven't been able to do that. I've been mopey and moody and incredibly sad. Yes, we are dealing with it in a way that everyone else says to me isn't healthy, or is against the rules. There have never been rules that Aiden and I have played by in our relationship. There has never been normality. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying we were wild sex freaks or that we didn't have love between us. I have just always seen our relationship as a beautiful fluke. A series of unfortunate events that drew the two of us together... I couldn't stand him on our first meeting... Now I can't stand to be without him.
I understand his reasoning for wanting to experience the world, or to see what is out there. But it still really hurts to know that the idea of there being something better out there exists. Before everyone goes dogging on Aiden, much of this break up was my own blindside. I didn't kiss when I should have, I didn't bring flowers when he so desperately wanted them, I didn't put a ring on his finger when that mattered to him more than anything in the world. (I wear his ring.) I am now paying for these mistakes every day. He said he told me what he needed but I turned a deaf ear on him. This may be true. But if for one second he thinks that he was not the center of my universe he is a fool. I wouldn't go anywhere, hangout with anyone, heck, I wouldn't pick up food without seeing if he wanted to come or needed something. He still is the the center of my world. I tried to take his ring off. That lasted a day. I tried to take his photos down. They went back up. I tried to stop texting him but every time my phone would vibrate my heart would skip a beat hoping it was him. Yes, I do ask him to do everything with me. He is my best friend. He is my partner. Last night I came to a realization... I always just smiled at him and winked when he talked about our wedding or our lives together... Now I realize I would give anything to make this a reality. I have never been for gay marriage per say. (I'm not against it either, just didn't think it was for me.) But now... I realize I would hop a plane and marry this man this very instant if he asked.
It is true that I did go to Aiden and tried to see if he would work things out casually. But he said at this point in his life he doesn't know if he can trust me to do the things I promise him. If I can be the man he needs. He goes out on two or three coffee dates a weekend. He is going to parties with strangers he just met. He is now living with friends who would call him when they had nothing better to do. And all this is better than me? This is what hurts. I understand wanting to be your own person. But how has the world suddenly become a better place now that I am gone? You said you wanted freedom. I denied you nothing. You got to do porn for a living. I let you hang out with people who knew you only as Aiden not as @#*$! . I am not angry, I am confused. I am lonely. I am hurt.
I was told that I have the same chance of winning his heart as everyone else. I will not stop till that heart is mine again. When I finally do have it... I will find a way to seal the deal, even if it means paying for tickets to Europe.
And That's Just Where I Am Right Now,
~Logan
