All I can do is sit and wait.

What's the Point

I sit here and all I can think is how meaningless it all became in a matter of hours. My reason for joy is gone. The reason I got up every day. Feelings I've never felt before are eating away at my soul and desires are reaching for me. Desires I shouldn't answer. But damn, it will be hard not to.

The Rebound

The question a lot of people ask me is if Aiden and I are really broken up. Yes, for now. Why do I say for now? Because my feelings for him have intensified and I have realized he is the person I'd like to grow old with and take care of when he is drooling all over himself. But, for now, he wants to explore the world around him and the guys in it. Does it hurt? Yes. Can I endure it? I have to. Will I give up? Never. Why? Because this man is worth every moment of the heartache as I wait for my reward.

But that is a story for another time, right now I want to talk about the rebound. I have been talking to a few guys, nothing serious or romantic but just some companionship on nights I can't lure Aiden over to watch a movie. The problem is, to me it is getting to know someone and clean fun. To one of them I feel like he is showing romantic interest, and that is something I am not willing to return right for my heart belongs to someone else. There is flirtatious talk and dirty messages, but I don't know how to outright tell him. You're just a rebound. You're something to bide my time until my heart can have what it really wants. Somewhere deep down,I think he knows it though.

I worry that if I settle or if I give in now I'll lose my Aiden. That is something at this point in my life I see as something that would crush my spirit. So, what do you do with a rebound?

~Logan

One Long Island Later...

I'm very excited about finding this picture. It's from a themed dress up day my Senior year of high school. Mismatch day I believe. And I had great hair back then! Loves it!

So I promise not every post is going to be a whiny bitch fest about Aiden. (It's kinda a theme in my life the last three weeks, though I've finally adjusted to having a big bed.)

So to not talk about Aiden, I figured we could talk about boys. Like new boys... Where do you go to make a new circle of friends, or just to meet guys in general? I'm not really in the market for anything serious at the moment, since I meant what I said and I said what I meant about Aiden... But really... I just really don't know where one goes to meet people. I mean duh, to the internet... The usual trolling spots... (Adam4Adam, Manhunt, etc...) But it seems that is such a dead end. It is alway the same guys having the same conversations only talking to the same people all the time.

I've noticed in our community we base so much of our friendships and who is on our level based on appearances. (I can't say I'm innocent of this since I hang out with porn stars and beautiful people.) But what do you do when you're not Mason Wyler or Aiden Ash? What do you do when you're plain old Logan, a boy who isn't a gym bunny and his genetics are screaming "Age damn it!" Do we throw up our flag and go patrol the bathhouses for our next fuck and cling to any relationship that we can get since we're not the in crowd? By no means do I find myself a social reject. I'd like to think I'm a pretty fun guy, who does a pretty damn good job at keeping people happy and making them smile. But what do you do when you want to break out of the burbs and immerse yourself in your people. (That's right, I call the gays my people.) I mean besides the obvious of moving to the heart of the gayborhood.... (Which I hope to do upon graduation.) I know being a guy who lives at home by choice is probably a strike against me. (But hey, theses are the final years, maybe months, my family will all live together, eat together, laugh together.... and they're pretty damn wonderful.) Also, no one likes to come to the burbs to hangout but I don't mind going to the city, I kinda love it. But, as much as I like to consider myself an urban gay guy, I have no idea how to go about meeting guys that don't know my cock size before meeting me.... Plus I'm not photogenic so in a cyber community that bases who we talk to on a good photo that could fuck a guy!

And That's Just Where I Am Right Now....

~ Logan

A Pretty Crazy Weekend...

The picture explains it all. That was my weekend. Friday night we threw a surprise birthday party for my Dad. Before hand Dad thought Aiden, myself, Matt and a few other friends were just going to take him to dinner and then go to a bar. But in reality we had a huge shindig waiting for him when we went to pick up the last person! (Thanks for hosting Leigh.) It was a blast for the most part. (Aiden and I really shouldn't be in small spaces when drinking at the same time.) But we had a good time none the less. After a midnight toast the party wound down and a few of us went to play pool at a local dive. (Where I consumed more alcohol.) Then we moved on to I-Hop (Bleck) and as most drunken nights without Aiden end, I wound up in very little clothing next to Matt in bed.

The more interesting part of the weekend is where Aiden decided to take myself and some friends to a bar he discovered while whor--- umm... going on a few dates. It was called THE BRITMOORE ICEHOUSE. For those of you who know North West Houston, (which is slim to none) you know that Britmoore is not a nice part of the burbs. It's where gangs go to fight and high schoolers go to drink and fight. But Aiden was really excited about this bar so we went. The bar is an open air ice house that lets anyone in. (No seriously, there was a ten year old.) I recognized a few guys on the lawn from high school so I was a little at ease as we walked past the Harley Davidson biker gang... Inside it looked like most dives, a few pool tables, a couple of stereotypical Texas rednecks, and a karaoke stage. (The reason Aiden wanted to go.) It wasn't too be but no one was in the mood to drink since we all were hung over from the night before. (Keep in mind it had been almost 24 hours.) The place smelled of fecal matter and marijuana but had some strange charm to it. The biker women were fascinated by the gay Aiden. They tried to get him to touch their breasts and squeal. The also were fascinated by all the females in the groups breasts. At one point I thought we were going to have to fight our way out with pool sticks. (Aiden started to skip when it was his turn to sing. Oh, and for those of you haven't heard him sing, he has a great voice, I wish he would have sang to me those nights I always asked him to sing me to sleep.) All in all, it was a good time. I'd go back, but I'd bring my switch blade next time. (Though sometimes those goodbye hugs to Aiden get so hard to let go.)

Today was mainly hanging out with family and working but I decided something... I am going to go against everything I stand for... I am going to make dreams come true. I am going to be Britney Spears for Halloween... Yup, from HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME. I am looking for the perfect wig now. I'm single... And it's Halloween who am I trying to impress (besides Aiden.)

That's Just Where I Am Right Now,

~ Logan

Heartache Makes Strange Bed Fellows...

Yup, that title sounds a little too emo for my liking but it is, 3:13am, so I am going to let it be. I don't know where I should start this blog. Do I start with the woes of being a step away from being fired from my job at the coffee house. (Ummm, how can my first warning be my final written warning as well?) Or do I start with the fun/FML night I had. (For those few of you who read my blog, and may not know what FML is, it is Fuck My Life.) I think we'll start with FML moment.

So tonight, Marcus Wyler and I decided we needed to stop saying "Oh, we should hang out. We should be friends." Then we would never do it, or I'd not go over to the Wyler house... or whatever they are calling it these days? Mason's Porn House? House of Porn? House of Whores? (Bitter... Nah.) The Wyler's were Aiden's friends and I thought that maybe he wanted his own set of friends. (I guess I was wrong I found out later.) But anywho, I never hung out with Marc(us). Tonight we decided that the two of us are single ladies and attractive enough to be seen in public with each other. So, we put on our Thursday night appropriate attire and decided to hit up the local gay lounge Meteor for a few get to know you cocktails and the strip contest they have in the showers. (It's so hokey, they call it Meteor Showers.) We arrive and make an appearance to the local populace we know. So, that means I knew two people and Marcus knew none and have a drink and a laugh and settle in for the show.

The show starts and a line of mostly emaciated twinks take the stage, most of which probably had one Chicken McNugget for lunch because it is all the Meth diet allows. (Some of them are some catty bitches, so I can swipe back.) Of the six only two were hot, the winner (Gary) and Aiden. (Yup... If you didn't see that coming you need to visit, www.FMyLife.Com and realize the meaning of the FML.) I seriously can't get away from thinking about him or seeing him. The reason he was there.... This is the first night ever Meteor has been 18 and up! Seriously! Seriously! SERIOUSLY! Well, at least I was there to cheer him on and I got to spend some time getting to know Marc one on one. He's a really cool kid. I won't lie, I'm not a citizen of Wyler Nation so I'm not sure how he portrayed by Mason. But, if it's negative none of it is true, he's a great ear, a snazzy dresser, and a good looking guy to have by your side. But I won't bore you with anymore FML details.

Work.. I'm on my final written warning at work. I'm a 4-year barista. I have no write ups, or corrective actions, and I am level 3. (Level 3 is the highest level you can be.) Apparently, my boss was told by a co-worker that I never wear my hat. (Which to a point is vaild.) I shave my head to a one, and I don't work within the Houston city limits, so as far as hats go... They are freaking optional by Harris county rules. The other part of the "final written warning" is that I am the messiest shift manager at the store. She received this from one of our customer surveys she got from last Tuesday. Problem is, if it's from last Tuesday... We wouldn't see this survey until next month! (4 year barista! I know how this works!) So I did all my math and she brought with her to the store one of her best friends, Laura, who has been itching to get my position as main opener and after me since she got to my store. (The Coffee Shop isn't unioned but the mornings are def something you have to be able to hang with to do. It takes speed, personality, and balls work the 4am shift.) But, my boss couldn't show me the customer survey and couldn't tell me who accused me of the hat thing. (I've worn it lots thank you very much.) So I think I want to go confront her. She basically said 'You may want to start looking for other jobs.' (Woman doesn't even do her own job but has her lackies do it for her.) Anywho... I want tell her I figured it out. And does anyone know if it's ethical to pack a corporate workplace with your family friends? I dunno ANY advice on this would be great!

And That's Just Where I Am At Right Now

~ Logan

The Topic I Have To Address....

Every beat of my heart feels like it is shooting a bitter venom through my veins. I've been through breakups before. (Two to be exact.) Both lasted 20 months. (Aiden lasted 20 months.) I lived with them both. (I lived with Aiden.) I thought I loved the other two, but now after this break up I really it was merely puppy love. (Sorry Chadwick!) With Aiden I lay awake at night and stare at his side of the bed which I never want to lay on in case he decides to come home. I wake up feeling sick every day and have to busy myself with pointless tasks so I don't think of him. It has only been 15 days but this is not like me at all. I'm a "two tears in a bucket" kind of guy. Usually they leave I sigh heavily tear up, wipe my eyes, then am sucking off some hot guy that night. With Aiden... I haven't been able to do that. I've been mopey and moody and incredibly sad.

Yes, we are dealing with it in a way that everyone else says to me isn't healthy, or is against the rules. There have never been rules that Aiden and I have played by in our relationship. There has never been normality. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying we were wild sex freaks or that we didn't have love between us. I have just always seen our relationship as a beautiful fluke. A series of unfortunate events that drew the two of us together... I couldn't stand him on our first meeting... Now I can't stand to be without him.

I understand his reasoning for wanting to experience the world, or to see what is out there. But it still really hurts to know that the idea of there being something better out there exists. Before everyone goes dogging on Aiden, much of this break up was my own blindside. I didn't kiss when I should have, I didn't bring flowers when he so desperately wanted them, I didn't put a ring on his finger when that mattered to him more than anything in the world. (I wear his ring.) I am now paying for these mistakes every day. He said he told me what he needed but I turned a deaf ear on him. This may be true. But if for one second he thinks that he was not the center of my universe he is a fool. I wouldn't go anywhere, hangout with anyone, heck, I wouldn't pick up food without seeing if he wanted to come or needed something. He still is the the center of my world. I tried to take his ring off. That lasted a day. I tried to take his photos down. They went back up. I tried to stop texting him but every time my phone would vibrate my heart would skip a beat hoping it was him. Yes, I do ask him to do everything with me. He is my best friend. He is my partner. Last night I came to a realization... I always just smiled at him and winked when he talked about our wedding or our lives together... Now I realize I would give anything to make this a reality. I have never been for gay marriage per say. (I'm not against it either, just didn't think it was for me.) But now... I realize I would hop a plane and marry this man this very instant if he asked.

It is true that I did go to Aiden and tried to see if he would work things out casually. But he said at this point in his life he doesn't know if he can trust me to do the things I promise him. If I can be the man he needs. He goes out on two or three coffee dates a weekend. He is going to parties with strangers he just met. He is now living with friends who would call him when they had nothing better to do. And all this is better than me? This is what hurts. I understand wanting to be your own person. But how has the world suddenly become a better place now that I am gone? You said you wanted freedom. I denied you nothing. You got to do porn for a living. I let you hang out with people who knew you only as Aiden not as @#*$! . I am not angry, I am confused. I am lonely. I am hurt.

I was told that I have the same chance of winning his heart as everyone else. I will not stop till that heart is mine again. When I finally do have it... I will find a way to seal the deal, even if it means paying for tickets to Europe.

And That's Just Where I Am Right Now,

~Logan